From my favorite comic for engineers and all things nerdy.... xkcd.com
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
SHOUTS & MURMURS
by George SaundersSEPTEMBER 22, 2008
Explaining how she felt when John McCain offered her the Vice-Presidential spot, my Vice-Presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, said something very profound: “I answered him ‘Yes’ because I have the confidence in that readiness and knowing that you can’t blink, you have to be wired in a way of being so committed to the mission, the mission that we’re on, reform of this country and victory in the war, you can’t blink. So I didn’t blink then even when asked to run as his running mate.”
Isn’t that so true? I know that many times, in my life, while living it, someone would come up and, because of I had good readiness, in terms of how I was wired, when they asked that—whatever they asked—I would just not blink, because, knowing that, if I did blink, or even wink, that is weakness, therefore you can’t, you just don’t. You could, but no—you aren’t.
That is just how I am.
Do you know the difference between me and a Hockey Mom who has forgot her lipstick?
A dog collar.
Do you know the difference between me and a dog collar smeared with lipstick?
Not a damn thing.
We are essentially wired identical.
So, when Barack Obama says he will put some lipstick on my pig, I am, like, Are you calling me a pig? If so, thanks! Pigs are the most non-Élite of all barnyard animals. And also, if you put lipstick on my pig, do you know what the difference will be between that pig and a pit bull? I’ll tell you: a pit bull can easily kill a pig. And, as the pig dies, guess what the Hockey Mom is doing? Going to her car, putting on more lipstick, so that, upon returning, finding that pig dead, she once again looks identical to that pit bull, which, staying on mission, the two of them step over the dead pig, looking exactly like twins, except the pit bull is scratching his lower ass with one frantic leg, whereas the Hockey Mom is carrying an extra hockey stick in case Todd breaks his again. But both are going, like, Ha ha, where’s that dumb pig now? Dead, that’s who, and also: not a smidge of lipstick.
A lose-lose for the pig.
There’s a lesson in that, I think.
Who does that pig represent, and that collar, and that Hockey Mom, and that pit bull?
You figure it out. Then give me a call.
Seriously, give me a call.
Now, let us discuss the Élites. There are two kinds of folks: Élites and Regulars. Why people love Sarah Palin is, she is a Regular. That is also why they love me. She did not go to some Élite Ivy League college, which I also did not. Her and me, actually, did not go to the very same Ivy League school. Although she is younger than me, so therefore she didn’t go there slightly earlier than I didn’t go there. But, had I been younger, we possibly could have not graduated in the exact same class. That would have been fun. Sarah Palin is hot. Hot for a politician. Or someone you just see in a store. But, happily, I did not go to college at all, having not finished high school, due to I killed a man. But had I gone to college, trust me, it would not have been some Ivy League Élite-breeding factory but, rather, a community college in danger of losing its accreditation, built right on a fault zone, riddled with asbestos, and also, the crack-addicted professors are all dyslexic.
Sarah Palin was also the mayor of a very small town. To tell the truth, this is where my qualifications begin to outstrip even hers. I have never been the mayor of anything. I can’t even spell right. I had help with the above, but now— Murray, note to Murray: do not correct what follows. Lets shoe the people how I rilly spel Mooray and punshuate so thay can c how reglar I am, and ther 4 fit to leed the nashun, do to: not sum mistir fansy pans.
OK Mooray. Get corecting agin!
Thanks, Murray, you’re fabulous. Very good at what you do. Actually, Murray, come to think of it, you are so good, I suspect you are some kind of Élite. You are fired, Murray, as soon as this article is done. I’m going to hire someone Regular, who is not so excellent, and lives off the salt of the land and the fat of his brow and the sweat of his earth. Although I hope he’s not a screw-up.
I’m finding it hard to concentrate, as my eyes are killing me, due to I have not blinked since I started writing this. And, me being Regular, it takes a long time for me to write something this long.
Where was I? Ah, yes: I hate Élites. Which is why, whenever I am having brain surgery, or eye surgery, which is sometimes necessary due to all my non-blinking, I always hire some random Regular guy, with shaking hands if possible, who is also a drunk, scared of the sight of blood, and harbors a secret dislike for me.
Now, let’s talk about slogans. Ours is: Country First. Think about it. When you think of what should come first, what does? Us ourselves? No. That would be selfish. Our personal families? Selfish. God? God is good, I love Him, but, as our slogan suggests, no, sorry, God, You are not First. No, you don’t, Lord! How about: the common good of all mankind! Is that First? Don’t make me laugh with your weak blinking! No! Mercy is not First and wisdom is not First and love is super but way near the back, and ditto with patience and discernment and compassion and all that happy crap, they are all back behind Country, in the back of my S.U.V., which— Here is an example! Say I am about to run over a nun or orphan, or an orphan who grew up to become a nun—which I admire that, that is cool, good bootstrapping there, Sister—but then God or whomever goes, “It is My will that you hit that orphaned nun, do not ask Me why, don’t you dare, and I say unto thee, if you do not hit that nun, via a skillful swerve, your Country is going to suffer, and don’t ask Me how, specifically, as I have not decided that yet!” Well, I am going to do my best to get that nun in one felt swope, because, at the Convention, at which my Vice-Presidential candidate kicked mucho butt, what did the signs there say? Did they say “Orphaned Nuns First” and then there is a picture of a sad little nun with a hobo pack?
Not in my purview.
Sarah Palin knows a little something about God’s will, knowing God quite well, from their work together on that natural-gas pipeline, and what God wills is: Country First. And not just any country! There was a slight error on our signage. Other countries, such as that one they have in France, reading our slogan, if they can even read real words, might be all, like, “Hey, bonjour, they are saying we can put our country, France, first!” Non, non, non, France! What we are saying is, you’d better put our country first, you merde-heads, or soon there will be so much lipstick on your pit bulls it will make your berets spin!
In summary: Because my candidate, unlike your winking/blinking Vice-Presidential candidate, who, though, yes, he did run as the running mate when the one asking him to run did ask him to run, which that I admire, one thing he did not do, with his bare hands or otherwise, is, did he ever kill a moose? No, but ours did. And I would. Please bring a moose to me, over by me, and down that moose will go, and, if I had a kid, I would take a picture of me showing my kid that dead moose, going, like, Uh, sweetie, no, he is not resting, he is dead, due to I shot him, and now I am going to eat him, and so are you, oh yes you are, which is responsible, as God put this moose here for us to shoot and eat and take a photo of, although I did not, at that time, know why God did, but in years to come, God’s will was revealed, which is: Hey, that is a cool photo for hunters about to vote to see, plus what an honor for that moose, to be on the Internet.
How does the moose feel about it? Who knows? Probably not great. But do you know what the difference is between a dead moose with lipstick on and a dead moose without lipstick?
Think about it.
Moose are, truth be told, Élites. They are big and fast and sort of rule the forest. Sarah took that one down a notch. Who’s Élite now, Bullwinkle?
She’s just Regular as heck.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Barack Obama's website has launched new tools this week... With 45 days left until the election, if you are feel antsy and nervous like I am, then go to the web, type in your address and zip and get a list of registered (and possibly undecided) voters on your block. Talk to your neighbors. Print flyers. Make phone calls. You don't even need to sign up to go to a local phone back or leave your own house to get INVOLVED. Just go to http://my.barackobama.com/page/votercontact/landing and DO WHAT IS RIGHT for your future and mine.
Living in Portland is going to be incredible. Adjusting is a process - especially when you had no income for the three months prior to moving - but I can tell it's a good place to be for a while. I LOVE how bike friendly the community is. I was really nervous with all the stories of conflict in the city with bikers prior to me moving. I'm taking baby steps in trying new things though, and so far most of my experiences have been really positive. Yesterday I had an appointment pretty far across town during 5p.m. traffic so I decided to try mass transit. My work offers discounted passes; I get an all area Max and Trimet pass for $20/month taken straight out of my paycheck. So I boarded the Max with my bicycle after work yesterday, then I transferred onto the bus. The driver had to get out to show me how to put the damn rack down, because I kept squeezing the wrong bar. I made my appointment on time, and then I rode my bike home since it was after the rush hour and I wanted to explore a new part of town I hadn't ridden in.
This is a rough estimate, but since I moved here I have biked just shy of 400 miles, and I've driven about 200. For some reason, it is easier for me to bike here than it was in Corvallis!
The Bike Communte Challenge is going on right now. Work places sign up to be a team, there are 1200 registered in the Portland area. For the month of September, commuters log their mileage by bike on a daily calendar. The total number of employees at the establishment are calculated with the total number of commuters in the challenge, along with their rate of cycling vs. driving to give a final percentage. Right now, my team as the Portland State Office Building is in 8th place!!!!!!! Being mostly comprised of Department of Human Services and Public Health
employees, I would sure hope so.
Here's a screen shot of my personal Bike Commute Challenge homepage. It shows the mileage total for the month (my work commute only), the calories I have burned, the carbon I have saved, and the percentage of time I bike.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Not sure I can even write anything about this.... If I do, I may get too upset. It is so unbelievable to me that some people are actually considering this person to be qualified for a position in Washington, much less one of the highest seats of political power in the world. I'm not really sure what I would do if she actually were elected into office... I just don't know...
Monday, September 08, 2008
Finally starting to feel settled in my new place. 380 square feet turns out to be much bigger than it sounds. With a lot of moving things around, and the helpful brainstorming on my mom's part, I made room for quite a bit of furniture, including the reading chair Phil's parents needed to get rid of. That worked out for everybody! My giant windows bring enough sunlight in throughout the day for me to actually grow fresh basil and a bird of paradise inside. Grandma gave me both the basil and the bird, and they seem to have adapted well to their new home - as long as kitty will stop diggin in the soil!